I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
