I feel like I'm in dance class right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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