Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
