I wish I could punch you in the face.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
