Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
