I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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