did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
