I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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