dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
