Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
