The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize