I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
