roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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