why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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