i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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