what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
