I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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