Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
