grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
