I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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