he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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