im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
