Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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