so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize