The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
