Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize