She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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