i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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