she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize