The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
