I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
