At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
