I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
