what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize