God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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