the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize