I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
