The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
