i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can't turn off my feet"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
