My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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