Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
