I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
