wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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