Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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