seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
