My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
