I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
