so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
