she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
