'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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