Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
