trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
