i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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