I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize