Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
