my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
