JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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