I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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