I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
