Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize