Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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