I think i peed on brittanys purse
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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