if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
