New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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