awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
