I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
