ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
