I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
