would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Never joke about your clitoris.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
