Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
