You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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