the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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