i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
